PATTY: I don't know if anyone in the audience noticed, but we had a Westercon here in July (encourage some applause). We're a little tired. So we're going to have a very relaxed Orycon this year. Some of us are relaxed to the point of catatonia from doing bab-to-back cons.
DAVID: Even Opening Ceremonies will be a little less frenetic than usual. Of course, part of this is because of the men of the Orycon Committee are a little skeptical of our scripts after the huge number of them who were convinced to wear dresses in the Ed Woods themed ceremony last year.
PATTY: Some of you may remember The Prom at the End of the Universe that we sponsored at the 1990 Orycon, following Westercon 43. Well, we thought that it's been five years, we've all progressed in our social development, well some of us. It's time to go that one step further and present:
DAVID: DATE OUTSIDE YOUR SPECIES. It may not have worked out with human beings, so give it a try with an alien! We have a scary concept here. NOT dating outside your species, we've all done that. But the idea that Patty Wells and Linda Pilcher have really found their niche with this idea. SIGH, let me introduce our President and Founder of Date Outside your Species, Patricia Wells
PATTY: (Switches into a very chatty and perpetually smiling individual.)
Welcome to the Orycon 17 edition of Date Outside Your Species. We wish to thank our generous hosts, the Orycon 17 Committee for allowing us to share a wonderful and unique service with all of you.
Tonight you will have the opportunity to meet some happy couples who were introduced by our us and a few more individuals who would clearly benefit from our service. I know there are many of you out there who are probably asking yourselves, "Why can't I find that special someone". We at Date Outside Your Species know the answer. You're simply asking the wrong question. You should ask "Why can't I find that special something."
DAVID: Let me point out right here that I am not her mate. It says on your agenda, Patricia Wells and mate. I'm not... it.
PATTY: OK, OK let me explain. Lot's of people ask me how I came to believe in this service.
DAVID: Several of them are psychiatrists.
PATTY: Well, it's an intensely personal story. My first husband was a human being ( a surprise to any of you who knew him) and it just didn't work out. Later I became involved in fandom, and met something, something connected with Orycon opening ceremonies. We were attracted instantly, we even share an astrology sign, but there was no support for our relationship. People whispered when we went to the beach, and we never could get seated at seafood restaurants. But we persevered and had a lovely poolside wedding. Meet my mate, Marc Wells...
MARC: comes on stage in crab suit: Hi, my little crabcake. Did you introduce the kids already? (PATTY shakes head). Ladies and Gentlemen, let's have a round of applause for the Crabettes. Kids stand up, take bow.
They may be a little snappish tonight, what with the con starting. Don't bait them.
PATTY: Moving hastily along, I started this business for others like us. You wouldn't believe the number of entities who've come to us and left with mates for all eternity.
DAVID: Speaking of which, we were invited here because we were instrumental in bringing together our co-chairs of Orycon 17, Cthulu and Melanie Schaber. Since it's impolite to assimilate the attendees at the beginning of the convention, rather than the traditional Sunday, Cthulu has agreed to appear in human form, and may even answer to the name David.
MEL: Thank you. Welcome to Orycon 17. We want everyone to have a good time this weekend, or Chulhu will eat you.
CTHULU: We want be sure to thank our committee this year. No more than two of them needed to be consumed by the Eldritch Gods before the rest just shaped right up.
MEL: And while we're on the subject of consuming... things... I want to remind all of you about the buffett in Bricdkstones during the day on Saturday and Sunday and the Orycon discount to the Sunday Brunch.
CTHULU: Thank you all for becoming one with us at Orycon 17.
DAVID: And here, with a brief Announcement is Robert Verde, Hotel Liaison.
ROBERT Explains party policy
PATTY You thought Robert was a human being now didn't you? No, he's far too handsome to be human. He's one of the first product from Androids `R' Us to try our service.
PATTY We find that many people, especially at science fiction conventions find it difficult to understand and deal with the limited selection of sentient species commonly available. We help you expand your perspective by introducing you to countless opportunities.
DAVID: You never know what you'll find in your bed when you broaden your horizons and Date Outside Your Species.
PATTY: I don't want you to get the impression that we are just an introduction service. Oh no, we go far beyond that. We have worked hard to assure that there are several activities which will heighten your awareness and let you spend time with that new special something here at Orycon 17. Here to explain how you can maximize the chance of finding your ideal significant other is Orycon 17's volunteer coordinator, John Mead.
JOHN: The Orycon committee does a fine job of organizing the convention but remember, it's the many fun and interesting alien attendees who make the convention go. Join us by volunteering a few hours of your time and you'll surely meet someone or something interesting. It's a lot better than chatting up Klingons in sleazy disco bars (and safer).
(The usual volunteer spiel including where, when, how...)
DAVID: Thank you. Here is our Vice-President and Director of Marketing, Linda Pilcher, to describe just a few of the fun activities going on during the convention.
Linda: We have another fine activity going on tomorrow night at Orycon. The Talent Show, is open to sentient beings who wish to share their talents, and perhaps perform acts never before seen on this planet. To enter, (Linda , read from their flyer)
Remember, if you're shy, retiring, or hibernating for the winter, we need an audience. Come an watch, maybe check-out, or feel-up an alien sitting next to you. MARC APPEARS WITH CRAB LEG OUTSTRETCHED, PATTY remarks on unsuitability of remarks and action)
We're proud of dating outside our species and you can be too. Share your enthusiasm by purchasing one of our I Dated Outside My Species At Orycon 17 tshirts. You know you're going to.
They're available in the Office for $10, more for largest sizes. Each tshirt comes with a coupon good for one free mixer (read coupon).
DAVID: We have chosen some totally random people, people who just happen to be the Orycon 17 GoHs. It turns out that some of them have already Dated Outside Their Species. Let's begin with Dameon Willich and Heather Hudson, Orycon 17's Artist GoHs. Let's give them a hand.
Dameon, Heather. I understand that both of you have used our service. Tell us, has this given your artwork a new perspective? Has it broadened your horizons?
DAMEON:Yes, it's been very helpful. I paint everything from real life now.
HEATHER:In fact I've dated all, well many of those characters on the Magicards.
DAVID: It's amazing what you cn learn at Opening Ceremonies. Thank you for being our guests. We encourage everyone to view their work in the artshow, and try to guess what they've been dating. (Artists EXIT stage)
PATTY: Join us in giving an Orycon welcome to Filk GoH and gamer, Tom Smith. WE understand that you're eager to use our service this weekend. Do you have your ad ready?
TOM: Reads ad, hopefully filled with puns.
PATTY: You know one of his tapes is called "Who Let Him in Here". I see where they got the title. Tom, I'm afraid, even we can't help you.
TOM: (Looks crestfallen.)
PATTY: But we would urge you all to here Tom in his concert, Saturday at 3:00pm. Surely you can find an alien there. Thanks, Tom.
DAVID: Now we'd have the privilege of introducing Joel Rosenberg, Orycon 17 GoH, and one of our favorite writers.
Joel, welcome to Orycon 17. We understand that you're also the author of a personal ad. Can we hear it. All of Orycon, including your wife Felicia, are eager to know what it is you want in an alien.
JOEL: Prolific writer, MHM (that's married human male) seeks fulfillment with empathetic SF(that's either single female or science fiction) sucker, desires extra tentacles for possible fantasy trilogy.
DAVID: Thank you. Well, when we run across that we'll let you and Felicia know. We're very honored to have such a... creative individual as Orycon GOH.
PATTY: As an example of our services, we would like to introduce a happy couple that we really enjoy taking credit for, Kristine Kathryn Rusch , writer and Hugo award-winning editor of F&SF, whom we introduced to Dean Wesley Smith, writer and Pulphouse editor. These folks are so talented that we're sure one of them is from Androids R' Us, but we can't figure out which one. How has it worked out for you Kris?
KRISTINE: It seems like only yesterday, in fact it was only yesterday, when Dean and I met. Now we're inseparable, except by a surgical procedure.
DEAN (Grabs her and kisses her passionately in front of audience. They don't stop until Patty and the crab break the clinch)
PATTY: You sure can't argue with success. As always, we want everyone to give our GoHs a big round of applause for being such good sports. It's a great guest line-up. And for being kind enough to let us experiment on them, Orycon 17 and Date Outside Your Species will give them one free date with anything in Known Space.
DAVID: Now, to explain how you can win a free dream date, here is our Director of Marketing, Linda Pilcher.
LINDA: Fill in the form, put it into the bucket and do it right or else!
DAVID: Thank you for that detailed explanation Linda. We might also mention that we will be awarding prizes, these lovely T-shirts, courtesy of the Loch Ness Monster, another very satisfied customer. Winning Ads and prize winners will be noted in the daily Zine. Please put you entries into the bucket by the end of this evening, or drop them by the Office by noon tomorrow.
Before we finish, I'm required to make this official disclaimer. Noted reproductive biologist and expert on aliens, Dr. Jack Cohen, has stated that
"Sex with aliens is not about to happen, it would be impossible to happen and the aliens probably wouldn't be interested anyway!"
Hmmm. Well, I say that's HIS loss.
However, in the interest of scientific accuracy, he is right SIGH. You might want to read one of Jack Cohen's books, "Reproduction" (a subject we're all interested in), "The Privileged Ape: Cultural Capital in the Making of Man" which contains a chapter on SF fandom at the end, and "The Collapse of Chaos", written with Ian Stewart.
PATTY Enjoy the dance, party safely (hopefully with something new) and remember: if you meet someone at Orycon, the odds are that he, she, or it is an alien. Thank you and enjoy the con.
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